How to Talk White So You Can Conquer the World

Hello Meltingpot Readers,

(Warning satire and sarcasm ahead.)

Yesterday I went to see the new film, Sorry to Bother You. And while there were things in that movie that I will never be able to un-see – no matter how hard I try – and social commentary that I’m still trying to figure out, the main conceit of the movie got me thinking about my own life and professional successes.

The basic plot of the movie is that a down-on-his-luck Black man gets a job as a telemarketer and then watches his life transform when he realizes he has a knack for making phone sales. The secret to his success, however, is his white voice. Once he realizes – after a tip from an aged Danny Glover – that if he speaks with his white voice while on the phone, people take him seriously, they listen to him, they actually want to buy whatever it is he’s selling, even if what he’s selling is morally corrupt. Soon our Black man protagonist is moving from his crowded cubicle to a corner office upstairs where the real money is made.

And then a whole lot of other super freaky things happen in the movie, which I won’t get into here, but the white voice is ubiquitous throughout the film, and acts as an oral reminder that the white voice is the secret to power.

But is this really true? I haven’t a single shred of scientific research to back up my claims, but from my own life experiences, I’d say, yes. I know what it means to be a Black person with a white voice. And let me tell you, membership – in the white voice club – has its privileges. And to think, all my life, I’ve been accused of “talking white,” and thought it was something I should be ashamed of.

But now, after watching Sorry to Bother You, I shouldn’t have been ashamed, I should have shouted back to all of my childhood accusers, “Damn right I talk white, and I’ll probably be rich and powerful one day because of it.”

Technically I’m still waiting for my wealth and power to manifest, but in the meantime, I can provide some tips for the rest of you to cultivate your white voice so you too can jump on this gravy train of opportunity.

1. START EARLY: In order to cultivate an authentic white voice, it is imperative that exposure to native white voices begins early. But exposure isn’t enough, total immersion is the ideal. I was born and raised in Wisconsin, one of the whitest places on earth, and except when I was with my family, I was often the only Black person around, so I quickly picked up white vernacular, tones and pitch.

2. LIMIT EXPOSURE TO OTHER BLACK PEOPLE: As a minority group in the United States, if given the chance Black people will often want to find others like them to form community. Therefore, if you really want to nail the white voice, you have to remain isolated in white spaces so that you don’t accidentally pick up stray bits of Black vernacular. Code switching can be useful, but if you don’t even have a Black voice to switch to, you will be even more attractive to white power.

3. ATTEND SCHOOLS WITH PRIVILIGED WHITE PEOPLE: In Sorry to Bother You, Danny Glover makes the distinction between simply speaking proper English and speaking like a white person who doesn’t have a care in the world, who has never been fired from a job, who oozes respectability. If that’s the kind of white voice you want, and of course you want that kind of white voice, do yourself a favor and enroll in the types of schools that attract wealthy white people. There you will learn how to make it so your white accent sounds authentically powerful, all-knowing and just a wee bit condescending.

4. CHANGE YOUR NAME: I was lucky. I was given a pretty race-neutral name. People see the name Lori and then if they hear my voice on the phone, they just assume they’re talking to an innocent, perky, white girl. I’ve literally been told to my face, “you didn’t sound Black on the phone.” And I just chuckle and say, “Thank you.” If by chance your name gives away your Blackness before you even open your mouth (I’m looking at you DeVonte Johnson), you may want to take a cue from some of our Asian friends who have both an Asian name that most simple Americans can’t wrap their lips around, and then they have their American name used in public places and spaces where the majority of people will be named Jim and Sarah. Get yourself a White name to go with your white voice so you don’t have to fall out of character whenever you introduce yourself.

5. AVOID BLACK MUSIC, DANCE AND OTHER BLACK CULTURAL OUTPUT: Let’s face it, Black culture is full of poetry, movement and emotion, and not just in our music. The greatest Black orators – from Martin Luther King, Jr. to Barack Obama to Shirley Chisholm – held their audience captive not just because of the power of their words but by the texture and rhythm of their voices. Any exposure to the beautiful struggle of the Black experience may make it nearly impossible to maintain the carefree sounds required for a powerful white voice. So, it’s best if you maintain a segregated existence where whiteness is the norm and Blackness is just a footnote in a history book.

There you have it. Try these tips out and I can almost guarantee you’ll be using your white voice in no time to get the life you’ve always wanted.

Peace!