Hello Meltingpot Readers,
I owe you all an apology. The blog went dormant last week because I just could not find the time to sit for even one minute to post anything. Not even a mea culpa. As I mentioned in a previous post, we sold our home and had to move rather quickly. So quickly, in fact, we ended up having to rent a house because we had zero time to look for a new permanent home.
So, what precipitated this sudden move? It’s kind of a long story, but since I didn’t blog at all last week, I don’t mind sharing.
“Let’s Buy a House with My Parents!”
Sometime around late 2015, my parents were trying to decide what their next move would be. They had recently relocated to Philadelphia where two of their three children lived – myself and my brother. They were temporarily living in a one-bedroom apartment while trying to regroup after dealing with some serious health problems. The move to Philadelphia made sense because they had the support of their children and excellent health facilities. What didn’t make sense for my parents was life in a one-bedroom apartment. My mother and father had spent years restoring old houses and they had acquired some beautiful furniture and treasures along the way. Plus, my mother is an avid gardener and comes from a large family. She could neither garden, nor comfortably host her family members in the apartment.
Meanwhile, el esposo and I were getting antsy in our home of ten years. We loved the neighborhood and the house was beautiful, but we didn’t like the layout. But we didn’t have the money saved to purchase a new home that would be better than the one we had. We considered selling the house and renting something until we could afford what we really wanted, but didn’t relish the idea of moving, just to have to move again.
That’s when the lightbulb went off. I had been reading a lot about the benefits of multigenerational living, plus I have a lot of first-generation friends who knew from childhood that their parents would one day live with them. My mom is my best friend and my father had become a dedicated grandpa, so I thought, “hey, let’s buy a house with my parents!”
Problems Solved
Buying a house with my parents ticked off many boxes on paper.
- My parents could own another big, beautiful old house – their favorite type of house – without being responsible for all of the labor and maintenance.
- My family of five could live in a house with more space and amenities than we could afford on our own.
- My children could have a stronger, more intimate relationship with their grandparents.
- My parents could help with some of the child-care responsibilities.
- We could help my parents as they aged with some of their heavy lifting – both physical and emotional.
- As a combined unit, our house could become the de-facto family gathering spot for birthdays, celebrations, holidays etc.
What Worked
It took us three attempts to find a house that worked. And, it wasn’t perfect, but it offered everything we thought we needed. We had enough space for everyone to have their own room, plus office space for my parents who don’t understand the meaning of the word retire. There was a yard for the kids and a porch for me. My mother had plenty of space to garden both indoors and out. And the kitchen, the nerve center of any home, was divine. Our first year there, we hosted the most thankful of Thanksgivings, birthday parties galore and a Women’s March poster party. My dad was happy to pick babygirl up from school and my mom and I took turns making dinner every night. We were living the multigenerational dream, especially when it came time to pay the household bills. Everything was split in half so our new and improved life cost less than our previous one.
How it All Came Crashing Down
The original plan for our new life included built-in seasons for both families to have time alone in the house. My parents wanted to spend the winters in Florida and we wanted to spend the summers in Spain visiting with el esposo‘s family. We figured this would help us maintain some level of independence on all sides.
The first winter my parents went to Florida, they rented an adorable condo in Sarasota and we actually visited for Christmas. It was lovely. So lovely, in fact, that my parents started looking for a small apartment or condo to purchase for future winters. In other words, my parents were beginning to build their nest as future snowbirds. (FYI, snowbirds are those folks who live in cold-weather climates, but spend their winters in warm-weather locales.).
So what went wrong? Nothing really. In fact, everything was moving according to plan. My parents purchased a new house in a new housing development in Florida. While they were waiting for the house to be built, we were all living the multigenerational life together in Philadelphia. But somewhere in the planning for setting up the winter house in Florida, fatigue set in for my parents. Flying and driving back and forth between Philly and Florida, deciding what furniture to take to Florida and what to leave behind, establishing two residencies, finding doctors in two cities, the money to manage it all, it all became too much.
My parents decided simply to stay in Florida full time. They didn’t want to be snow birds. They didn’t want to live in two cities. They didn’t want to drive 18 hours between their two homes. What’s more, Florida offered them pleasant weather year round. After 40 years living in Wisconsin, that was significant. Florida also offered them an easy community of fellow retirees to engage with, as opposed to the hustle and bustle of Philadelphia. Their new house in Florida was small, easy to manage and had no stairs. Florida just seemed easier to my now road weary parents.
But it wasn’t just about the travel back and forth. There was tension brewing in the air.
The Problem with Multigenerational Living (It’s About Parenting)
Suffice it to say, my parents and I have different parenting styles, even though I think my mom was the greatest mother ever. (I mean she raised me and look how awesome I am!) Both of my parents confessed that they had a really hard time holding their tongues when they thought el esposo and I were doing something wrong with our kids, which was often. They wanted to parent my kids but they felt I didn’t want their help. And for the most part, I didn’t.
El esposo and I spent years trying to figure out how we were going to parent, combining his experiences growing up in Spain and mine growing up as a Black girl in Wisconsin. In the 18 years since we’ve become parents, we’ve negotiated how we’re going to handle our roles as parents and created a strategy and a method. I’m not saying that we’re the best parents ever, but three kids in, we’ve established a routine that works for us. Living with my parents however, meant our parenting was being judged and it put us on the defensive. I even found myself reprimanding my kids more often so my parents didn’t think I was being too lenient with them (A common critique from my father). And rather than my kids forming closer bonds with my parents, I felt they were beginning to resent their intrusions on their daily lives. I don’t think my parents were stricter with my kids than they were with my siblings and I, but my children weren’t used to their old-school style of right and wrong. It was exhausting trying to protect my kids, assuage my parents, and keep el esposo from blowing his top at what he felt was a constant critique of his life choices. Truth be told, living with your parents means not having any secrets and all of your faults laid bare. It is humbling.
That being said, I believe if my parents hadn’t decided to stay in Florida, we would have figured out how to deal with these parenting differences. But that struggle was real and would have required some really honest conversations and definitions about boundaries.
5 Things I Learned from Our Multigenerational Living Experiment
So precisely one year after our adventure in multigenerational living began, it ended. We lived together as a family of seven for just under 12 months. Because my parents decided to live in Florida full time, we all decided that selling the house we bought together made the most sense. It was too much house for our family of five to maintain, especially with one kid off to college in the fall. Am I sad that this experiment didn’t work? Yes. But did I learn something from the experience? Absolutely.
- Even if you love your parents a lot, living with them isn’t always a good idea.
- Even if you think your parents did a great job parenting you, that doesn’t mean they should parent your kids.
- Big houses come with big expenses and big expenses are stressful even if you’re sharing the load.
- If you enter a shared living situation with a family member, make sure there is an agreed-upon exit plan.
- If you enter a shared living situation with a family member, create some house rules and boundaries in the beginning, so feelings don’t get hurt and tensions can be mitigated.
At the end of the day, nothing will change the love I have for my parents, even a failed multigenerational living experience. But I do think our love will grow stronger, with them living in Florida and us living in Philadelphia!
Has anybody else purchased a home with a family member? How did that turn out? You know I’m listening.
Peace!
