Hello Meltingpot Readers,
I used to spend a lot of time trying to make sure my kids were secure in their identity as Black and Spanish individuals. I tried to prepare myself for the types of identity issues that might manifest throughout their childhoods. (Heck, just read this blog and all of my books.) But, at the end of the day, the issues that vex me the most and that cause the most drama in our household have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my kids are biracial.
Let me break it down for you.
Son #2 Is Allergic to Homework
Now that his diploma is in hand, I feel it’s okay to put my son’s business all in the streets. This creative, soccer-loving bookworm of mine, decided in eighth grade that he wasn’t “interested” in homework. In his own words, “he didn’t think he would ever actually need the information they were teaching him in most of his classes,” so he chose not to do the work. As you can imagine, that meant he came dangerously close to not passing the eighth grade. Dear readers, this child read War and Peace for pleasure, so I know he’s not truly struggling academically. What he struggles with is following rules (FYI, that’s why he’s at military camp this summer and loving it.). Needless to say, it came down to the wire with his final grades and I had to check his homework and help him study every single day during his final quarter. And not once while we were going through this agony was I ever thinking, “if only I had married a Black man, I wouldn’t be having this issue with my son.”
Son #1 Is Way Too Into Girls
I’m not trying to brag, but Son #1 is beautiful. He’s too cute and he knows it. Girls know it too. Needless to say, many of the problems in Ms. Meltingpot’s household this year have come down to “girl problems.” I tried to tell Son #1 to stay away from the opposite sex in high school, but that was about as useful as telling my dog to stay away from a plate of bacon left unattended on the kitchen table. Again, throughout all of our battles, tears and arguments over girls, never once was I thinking, “this wouldn’t be a problem if my son weren’t biracial.”
Babygirl Has Attitude for Days
My daughter is a delight. I love her spirit and her “I can do anything” attitude, except when that attitude is telling her she can do something she’s not supposed to, like eat Skittles for breakfast. I’m sure many of you can relate to having young people who believe they are much older than they really are. Go ahead, nod your heads. My daughter is no different. And her creamy, ginger brown skin has nothing to do with her high-octane attitude.
So, you see, dear readers, the issues that have me pulling my hair and gnashing my teeth with my kids these days are classic Kids’ Problems 101. They’re not special in any sense and my parenting challenges probably ring familiar to parents of all racial backgrounds.
That’s not to say that being a Black/Spanish family in the United States doesn’t add an extra layer of responsibility to our parenting game, but our dinnertime conversations probably sound a lot like the rest of America – sports, school, weekend plans, how to impeach the current president etc.
Sometimes those conversations are in Spanish, but you get the idea.
I think it’s important for all of us caught up in this parenting nightmare game, that we remember that everybody is going through it and we are not alone. Many of the identity issues that we think may be unique to our son or daughter because they have a mixed race background, could be happening to the Korean-American kid next door, or the Latina girl who loves punk rock. I’m not saying that all kids are the same or that Mixed-Race kids will never experience unique challenges relating to their identity, I’m just saying that at the end of the day, parenting is a mental and physical marathon no matter what color your kids are. And despite America’s obsession with Mixed-Race kids– fetishizing them as some kind of racial saviors or demonizing them as tragic and confused – they’re just kids that need good parenting. At least I know mine do.
What do you think, dear readers? At the end of the day, what are your greatest parenting challenges? Do they stem from identity issues or are they run of the mill kids stuff? Do you have a hard time figuring it out? I’d love to hear from other people.
I’m totally listening.
Peace!
Comments
6 responses to “Parenting Mixed-Race Kids is Still Just Parenting”
Sorry, I am having a bad parenting week! Race is super important in my house. When my kid has to deal with people’s ignorance, she’s got less tools to work with. She struggles with social interaction as is. Race adds another layer.
She has dealt with racial issues and luckily those around her have been supportive to the max. For example, in a day camp, another girl told her she couldn’t play with her and her friends because she (my daughter) is brown. OH BOY! These things hurt because my daughter already struggles to make friends, etc. But, the staff was on it as were most the other campers. The staff of various colors met with my daughter to hug her, let her talk it out, and support her. The other campers invited her everywhere that day (she’s often excluded for other, social reasons) and we got a phone call home explaining it all to us. Because while my daughter may be bilingual and talks a lot, communication is different than talking.
Please don’t get me wrong: race is a card in the parenting pile. My primary focus is social skills. Recently, I was happy that this year students signed her yearbook. I was in tears. Nobody signed it last year! It would be different if she was happy being a loner, but she’s not. She wants friends. Pobrecita.
Oh: and we are trying to figure out WHEN and HOW Trump will be gone!
PS: I love your blog because you are REAL. I need realness in my life. Instead of things like, my perfect family (with all neurotypical children of any color) made cupcakes and then we went to the baseball game were junior scored the winning run. Or, we had a big birthday party this weekend, etc. Uh, my child hasn’t been invited to a birthday party since 4th grade. She’s only been invited to two!
Ya me callo
Wendy,
Wow, sometimes kids are the worst, and I don’t mean our kids, I mean the ones who are mean to them. There have been times when I wanted to do bad things to little people for making my daughter cry. Then I realize, it’s probably their parents’ fault for not teaching them to be better human beings. I’m sorry your daughter had to deal with that.
And, FYI, I’ve had a bad parenting year. More tears shed this year because of my kids than I ever imagined. That’s one of the reasons I came back to blogging. To share. And I so appreciate your comments about my blog. It really helps to know that people appreciate this space.
Here’s to a better tomorrow!
That’s not to say that how the world views the color of my daughter isn’t important, it is. But what’s always foremost in my mind is I AM GOING TO BE CARING FOR HER UNTIL I DIE LIKE AN A DAY TO DAY WAY! What will happen to her if this is necessary and either my husband or I meet an early demise.
https://www.findingcoopersvoice.com/video/this-is-not-ok/
https://www.findingcoopersvoice.com/2017/02/11/confessions-of-a-special-needs-parent/
Wendy,
I hear you and feel your pain. Thank you , as always, for being here and sharing. *hugs*
As a parent of a child who may not grow up to be fully independent due to a developmental disorder (she’s still bilingual) and as an aunt to a severally autistic nephew, well, it sort of puts things into perspective.
Wendy,
Point well taken. I don’t mean to suggest that race doesn’t matter, of all people, I get that, but when you think of your day to day parenting duties, the race of your child probably isn’t on the top of your things to manage list.